Do you remember your stupid government teacher in high school, that no-nonsense leftist weirdo in the crappy sports jacket who taught you that conservatives don’t want change and liberals want change and blah blah blah? Dear God, there is nothing worse than union hackers attacking our schools and filling empty skulls with bullshit. But enough about public education. The truth is that today’s conservatives really want change, and change is coming in our party. The New Republican Party is not your father’s Republican Party, as that dried-up ancient pervert who pretends to be our president likes to say. Thank God, because too often my father’s Republican Party consisted of a bunch of corporate sissies who had never been in a war they didn’t want other people’s children in.
Yes, we are changing and that’s a good thing. But look at the other side. They retreat. It’s a state-of-the-art neo-Bolshevik revolution, except I’ll give it to Lenin’s crew – at least they knew which bathroom to apply.
The changes in the GOP are illustrated by several Veep candidates that I inexplicably missed last week in an article about Trump’s potential vice presidential picks. Take, for example, J.D. Vance, the senator from Ohio, who is driving traditionalists crazy because he dares to ask complex questions about Ukraine – and as a military man who trained Ukrainians, I agree that we must ask complex questions. The thing about JD Vance is that he’s from Ohio, like me, so it’s frosty. But he’s also a self-proclaimed redneck. His book “Hillbilly Elegy,” about his life in poverty growing up, is about people who would once have been Democrats. Buick dealer owners and sensible, sober bankers from the ancient school of the Republican Party had never seen someone like J.D. Vance unless he was fixing or parking their car or caring for them at Bushwood Country Club. But now JD is a senator and they are busy setting their money on fire by subsidizing Nikki Haley in a desperate attempt to turn back the clock to 2004.
Let’s apply the Schlichter test to JD Vance. Firstly, does it do any harm to the ticket? Even though Ohio is red, its exit from the Senate sets up a costly and uncertain fight to retain the seat. It’s a suboptimal result, but otherwise he’s fine. He has no known quirks. The only people who hate him are the elites who feel that this previously destitute upstart has betrayed them by showing little gratitude for being invited into the ruling class. There’s nothing they hate more than a cocky peasant who has jumped into a position of power. Does he have the competence to become president? Bright. He’s a Marine, he’s astute, and he’s not put off by airplane stairs. Finally, does it add anything to the ticket? It’s a bit more complicated. Does it secure working class demographics? This worked in Ohio, but the color red is popular in Ohio, so it’s not clear that this aspect made much of a difference. We don’t need him to bring us Ohio.
The second guy I inexcusably overlooked is my friend Ric Grenell, a glossy and brilliant diplomat who, as our ambassador to Germany, drove Europeans crazy when he demanded that the Krauts pay their fair share of NATO. He is a very astute and cunning guy, and certainly competent. The question is whether he would destroy the ticket and whether he would contribute anything concrete to the campaign.
The same people who love Trump already love Ric, so it’s unclear whether he will attract additional fresh voters. And then there is the gay issue. Who would have thought that one of the most popular figures in the Republican Party would be an openly gay man who is also an evangelical Christian? Probably less than a decade ago when the disgusting Mitt Romney cowardly stabbed his friend in the back and forced him to resign from his campaign team because some people complained that he had a gay on his staff. Today we have a Republican Party that largely doesn’t care. Right now, most of us would happily vote for a differently abled, plus-sized lesbian of color, an Indian woman who also happens to be furry, if she – or they or xe – voted like Ted Cruz. But there will be people who will care. Will it be a net loss or net profit? The fact is that Republicans have learned that electing candidates based on their identity does not translate to Republicans. We don’t win black voters because we choose a black candidate, and we don’t win women voters because we choose a candidate who identifies as a woman. It’s doubtful we’ll have gay voters just because Ric Grenell is gay. But maybe we’ll get them because Ric Grenell is amazing – I have a few of them books which mention a hypothetical Vice President Grenell in one context or another, so you know where I stand.
These two guys represent a huge shift in the Republican Party, both in terms of its approach to class – we are now a party that is much more accepting of the working class than we used to be – and in terms of minority groups. Our 2024 vice presidential candidates include Black people, working people, gay people, and women who are not minorities, but you know what I mean. The GOP has changed for the better, allowing everyone to support a future of freedom, prosperity, and security, rather than being doomed to a Democratic future of oppression, poverty, and anarchotyranny.
We saw another massive change with the announcement that Mitch McConnell would soon resign. Much ink has been spilled about Cocaine Mitch, a man who was both incredibly frustrating and incredibly adept at his power. Is it time for him? Yes, because he is 82 years ancient and in needy health – it is common knowledge in Washington that he suffered a debilitating stroke. And yes, his game seems to be slipping due to the border fiasco and a nasty gun control issue that may keep John Cornyn, who is inexplicably a senator from Texas, from taking the job as the Murderous Turtle. Conservatives will not miss the old-school aspects of McConnell, who seems to find it intolerable to impose that citizens have input on his plans. But love him or hate him, he was the most effective legislative genius of this century, and maybe more. He just deserves a lot of credit for keeping that obnoxious progressive lackey Merrick Garland off the Supreme Court.
Regardless of what you think about Mitch McConnell and his legacy, the fact is that this represents a changing of the guard. Now comes the fight for who will replace him, and it could be someone unexpected. But it has to be someone effective. This is a priority. Conservatives need to stop thinking with their hearts and think with their minds when choosing their next candidate for this position. We hear names like Rand Paul and Ted Cruz all the time, but it’s all based on ideology. Even though we like what they think, these guys can’t build a team. They are rebels. The senators we really like are polarizers, not unifiers. The right man to replace Mitch McConnell is not the one who makes exactly the right policy choices. He is the one who encourages Josh Hawley and Susan Collins to vote the same way. This is the job.
We are a coalition, and although our coalition changes, it remains a coalition. This is something we need to understand. In America, both political parties will account for approximately 50% of the population. Neither of them will have much more, at least not for long. Everyone will have about half, and that means it will be a massive tent, whether we like it or not. This means we will have both Lisa Murkowski and Mike Lees. So it is.
However, we can make conservative progress. We are moving the Republican Party to the right. This process is ponderous and painful, and Mitt Romney will still be around for some time, annoying us, but it is happening and will continue to happen. This won’t happen overnight. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Insert another cliché here.
This fight has no end. Fighting is the end state. We will always fight. Accept it. I understand that. And be glad that at least today we are changing in the right direction.
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