The recent Arizona Senate debate between Republican Blake Masters, Democrat Mark Kelly, and this libertarian who was disturbingly focused on age of consent laws being too lofty taught us two significant things besides the fact that you should never let a Libertarian babysit your teenager. First, Mark Kelly will get crushed, and second, he’s brief, and after Blake beats him in November, he should find something else to do with his life, like slave away for mithril in the mines of Moria or maybe carry a ring to Mordor.
Blake is on the rise, and he’s not alone. The conservative Senate candidates, written off by the Establishment as a bunch of crazy Trump radicals, look like they’ll win all or most of the key races. How do we know that? Well, don’t trust the polls (even the good ones), but consider where they’re headed, and where gas prices (up) and stocks (down). Oh, and then there’s the whole nuclear war thing. Everyone loves their Ukrainian flags and emojis until hydrogen bombs start detonating over their hometown.
All the clever people told us we had to drop Arizona because Blake was too, well, something to win. But even before the debate, Tiny Mark, the guy who puts “ass” in “astronaut” was losing ground. Then he stood there on the debate stage – yes, he stood – and Blake towered over him, just beating him up on the open border, on 87,000 modern IRS agents, even on water rights. He referred to Tiny Mark as California’s third senator – ouch – and superglued him to Biden.
If I had any sympathy for the Democrats, I would have felt it after that brutal beating, but I don’t, so I laughed. Mark Kelly will probably need a modern career in November – I hear Willy Wonka is hiring at a chocolate factory.
But right now, it’s not just Arizona that’s good. It’s neighboring Nevada, where the reluctant consensus even among left-wing journalists is that my buddy Adam Laxalt is way ahead of another Stepford senator, Schumer, whose name escapes me because she made no impression during her time in DC. She’s stuck explaining that inflation was about 1.5% when Trump left office and now it’s at least 8% under the guy she votes for every time. She’s a real piece of work—doing things like attending events for the “Latinx” community, which doesn’t exist outside of blue Twitter and college seminars. Real Latinos, who are tired of subsidizing the homeless with their taxes and paying more at the gas station because of the weird pagan weather religion of wine women from San Francisco and Manhattan, aren’t fooled. The Latino revolt and simultaneous Latino movement into the GOP are probably the biggest story of this cycle and a real nightmare for Democrats.
But black voters are also leaning right, especially men. In Georgia, that could spell defeat for incumbent Gov. Stacy Abrams—whether she admits it or not remains to be seen. In the Georgia Senate race, Democrats tried to slap a broad layer of slime on Herschel Walker, hoping that pro-lifers would be so busy clutching pearls that they would let radical abortion-to-kindergarten zealot Raphael Warnock win on principle and all. No—we are woke to the fact that it is OK. and it’s not happening.Herschel will win.
Lump is losing ground to Dr. Oz in Pennsylvania. In addition to the weird growth on his neck that is running independently for a seat on the local water board, Keystone State residents must consider Fetterman’s horrible policy positions, such as the one about releasing murderers from prison early, and if they kill someone else, Oh well. That’s probably a really good argument for appealing to key Democratic constituencies like college professors, purple-haired 19-year-olds with daddy issues, and murderers, but not normal people. And Pennsylvanians are definitely normal people. They won’t be swayed by Fetterman’s recent endorsement by the American Phrenological Association.
Once people get to know Dr. Oz, they hot up to him. I’ve watched him, talked to people who know him, and talked to him myself. I was struck by both his intelligence—there aren’t many stupid heart surgeons—and his genuine love for the country that gave him so much. I went from skepticism to pride in supporting him because he deserves my support. The more Pennsylvanians get to know him, the more they like him. It helps that he’s not some weird communist ogre who can’t string a coherent sentence together.
Democrats are still approaching the Ohio race against JD Vance with all the baseless hope of a Bulwark employee’s fiancée approaching her wedding night – of course, what happens figuratively to Tim Ryan won’t happen to the bride, at least not for that long. Ryan is 100% Pelosi’s pet, whose voting record is in Marin County, not Mahoning County. JD will crush him.
There are other mildly controversial races. Eric Schmitt, the excellent and very American attorney general of Missouri, will win this race because Show Me State has shown us its wisdom by not nominating the flawed Eric Greitens. Ted Budd should beat the radical Democrats in North Carolina. People have high hopes for Joe O’Dea in Colorado, although I have some inside information that his unlikely challenge to the incumbent Democrat seems a bit longer. He recently announced that George W. Bush is coming out to campaign for him, which raises the question of whether Mitt Romney was available – not a good move in my opinion. Mitt, like W, another trash-talking asshole who pretends to be a gentleman but willingly betrays his supporters whenever he wants to suck up to his country club caste, will not endorse Mike Lee in Utah. It won’t matter. Lee will be running against Egg McMullin – his pollsters who peddle false reports of a close race should get their money’s worth up front.
Tiffany Smiley in Washington is a great candidate. Unfortunately, Washington has become a communist garbage state, so it will be complex, but doable in a large red year. Dan Bolduc in New Hampshire was written off by most people in opposition to Bidenette Maggie Hasson, but again, in a good red year, he could do it. On the positive side, he is (aged) army, although on the negative side, he is a general. But don’t write him off.
What needs to happen now? Money. Mitch McConnell needs to get off the sidelines in Arizona and send some cash to Blake. There are rumors that Murder Turtle is afraid of a guy like Blake in the Senate. Well, he’s coming, and maybe the clever move would be to bury the hatchet under a pile of C-bills now.
And Donald Trump has to put a lot of money into it, too. He backed a lot of these guys in the primaries, so if they win, he wins. But if they lose, Trump gets the blame, and that’s how it should be. Conservatives are starting to get annoyed that Trump seems to be hoarding money instead of helping. Now he has to write checks and tell everyone about it. And all of you too!
Activate, get out there and win. We’re looking good – the over/under is 52 spots – so it’s time to run up the score. Smash them like Blake smashed the Mini-Mark.
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