Every year I give you my predictions for our upcoming trip around the sun, and every year I’m mostly wrong. Oh well. With the exception of my Kelly Turnbull books, I don’t pretend to be Nostradamus, and in these books I don’t want to be him, but unfortunately I was. The same goes for my modern novel about a terrorist attack on America! I want to be wrong. Anyway, if you predicted that I would sell my books, you were right.
I wish I could say that 2024 will be a great year for our country, but I think it will be a disaster. It’s kind of the consequence of electing a dried-up venerable pervert as our supposed president and backing him up with a half-wit who makes Nikki Haley look intelligent. By the way, Nikki, the answer is “slavery.”
Without further ado, here are the forecasts you’ve been waiting for…
1. Trump will not face any federal lawsuits this year. After waiting three years for the election cycle to begin, the federal government suddenly insists that trials begin yesterday. We all remember the J6 political prisoners who had to go around in circles for years before their trial. Well, surprise, the feds really want to do Trump right before the election. Oh my, I wonder why. But it won’t work. Aside from the appeals on these absurd, baseless allegations and the amount of work preparing the defense against these absurd, baseless allegations, none of the federal cases will be heard until 2025, the state cases could, but they are idiotic too.
2. Here’s the straightforward way. The 14th Amendment nonsense will be defeated, probably 7-2, but Sotomayor should write a 9-0 decision to put the stakes at the heart of this idiocy. It will not be. Nothing matters, including the law. Understand that this is not a arduous or controversial legal issue. You are literally a moron if you think these voting bans are justified – it’s not close. You know, if you’re unlucky enough to have to go on social media and read what the lawyers there are saying, you’ll see that with the exception of about six of us, every lawyer on Twitter is a damn moron. The only deal for hacking is that they are law professors. If you are a law professor, you are not a practicing lawyer, except Alan Dershowitz. You are a hack. Do not listen to them. Either way, these stupid attempts to remove Trump from the ballot are deadlier than witnessing Hillary Clinton misbehaving.
3. I really like Ron DeSantis, but there is a good chance that Donald Trump will be the candidate. If he is the nominee, I predict he will choose Nikki Haley, and for reasons I will outline in an upcoming Townhall column, that’s a good idea… from his perspective. Please don’t confuse this with my opinion that Nikki Haley is more than just a corporate drone who speaks nonsense. She is terrible. But from Trump’s perspective, the vice president position makes total sense, and I predict he will choose it. I also predict this because you can’t be wrong by predicting that Donald Trump will choose someone terrible for a cabinet position.
4. Nikki Haley will reject the germ theory and attribute the cause of disease to “unbalanced humors.” Kidding. He will continue to spew corporate-friendly, consultant-generated clichés and topic hacks in an effort to turn back the clock on Republicanism twenty years. If nominated for the role of veep, she will advocate for “common gun control”, equality and require porn in every elementary school classroom. Liberals will applaud her and vote for Biden. Trump supporters consider her a master of 12-dimensional chess.
5. I predict mixed results from overseas wars. Israel is going to crush Hamas, which is good. There will be some talks that will soothe Ukraine’s open wound. I would prefer that the Ukrainians drive the Russians out of the country, but that simply won’t happen. They will be forced to the table when Joe Biden realizes that this war has become a liability. The Houthis will continue to humiliate America and become the target of several measly airstrikes. I think there is a 25% chance that Xi will take over Taiwan, and if that happens, Joe Biden will just let him do it.
6. The border crisis will continue uninterrupted. Alternatively, the GOP caucus will compromise to solve it, which will result in us giving up valuable things and the border crisis continuing uninterrupted.
7. One of the infrequent pieces of good news is that we have seen a peak in DEI and an awakening. It’s all downhill from here. Yes, dim-witted and spineless little weasels like Ohio’s Mutilatin’ Mike DeWine will still sign up as Munchausenmommies who cut up their children because their lives are empty and sexually unfulfilling, but increasingly people will just say “No.” No to trans-woke nonsense. No to race nonsense. No, for all the other nonsense. And I predict Claudine Gay will find something else to do instead of becoming president of Harvard, and everyone will deny, deny that it has anything to do with the fact that she is a mediocre diversity officer/plagiarist, which is an absolute joke.
8. I think we will lose the House because we are Republicans and Republicans are stupid. I think we’ll win the Senate by accident and because of Joe Manchin. I think Kari Lake will surprise everyone and win in Arizona. Same with Dave McCormick in Pennsylvania. But I think Montana will nominate that annoying, loudmouth congressman and unseat himself. Plus, John Fetterman will be a better Republican senator than a significant number of Republicans in the Senate.
9. Vivek will move on to promoting the Bitcoin cryptocurrency. Chris Christie will come close to death when he chokes on ham, loses 300 pounds and wins “Dancing with the Stars.” Asa Hutchinson will continue to run for president long after the November 2024 election ends.
10. Wait until the Supreme Court starts freaking out about some issues in a good way. More decisions supporting the right to own weapons and religious freedom, more control in the administrative state. I’m not sure the attack on the Supreme Court will have the effect people on the left were hoping for. Not everyone is as spineless as John Roberts. I think you’ll get a lot of backlash, but the left will do everything in their power to delegitimize SCOTUS. Of course the left doesn’t understand this. Nothing has any legality anymore. All that matters is power and we will start using it more ruthlessly.
11. The economy will get worse. Bidenomics will end as disastrously as anything Joe Biden has ever overseen, such as America’s foreign policy and child rearing. Expect the Fed to cut interest rates to stimulate markets, but inflation will skyrocket. Look for a correction in the stock market anyway. Invest in guns and lead, the latter in the form of a bullet.
12. Hunter Biden will admit to jaywalking and the Justice Department will apologize for any inconvenience.
13. Supreme Court justice leaves Court and Biden nominates Pinko BIPOC differently abled, non-binary, two-spirit heft replacement based solely on merit.
14. The GOP will barely impeach Biden, but Democrats and Lindsey Graham will make sure he is not held accountable for his crimes.
15. There will be left-wing riots, mostly peaceful, as the uprising becomes a moral obligation in the eyes of the regime’s media.
16. The regime’s media will experience more layoffs and bankruptcies, which will cause much rejoicing.
17. Taylor Swift will record a song about her pronouns after being dumped by a soccer player for being “clingy.”
18. All women’s Olympic medals will be won by men, proving that men are better than women at everything, including being women.
19. Joe Biden will not be replaced and will be on the ballot in November. I’m not sure he’ll know about it though. Man, electing Kamala Harris was the best insurance policy ever.
20. Democrats will win in November. I say this because I hope my history of being wrong with my predictions continues.
See you in 12 months, assuming these idiots haven’t caused a nuclear and/or civil war in the meantime, so I can give you another, inevitably wrong prediction for 2025.
Follow Kurt on Twitter @KurtSchlichter. Get the latest in Kelly Turnbull’s People’s Republic series of conservative action novels set in America after a supposed national divorce, Amazon’s #1 bestselling military thriller, Overlord! Pre-order his modern novel about terrorism in America, Attack!
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